Harry Potter and the Half Blood Mary Sues
by M.S. Dae
Summary: What will Harry ever do? Mary Sue has come and everybody is going physco! Malfoy and the Squid... Hermione in short shorts? multiple pairings, parody, rated T for the humor. COMPLETE!
1. Screwed Mary Sue

**Harry Potter and the Half Blood Mary Sues**

**ok so this story pretty much a parody making fun of practically ever pairing, Mary Sue, and OOC imaginable. If it offends you, you probably won't want to read it, but we all have to laugh at our selves once and a while, and others. Especially others. :)**

**!DOWN WITH MARY SUES! **

**Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, then why would I be wasting my precious time writing this! Ok ya so maybe I would lol**

**CHAPTER ONE: Screwed Mary Sue **

Harry Potter was wandering around the corridors of the train, wondering why he was wandering around the corridors of the train when a gorgeous girl jumped out in front of him.

"HI! I'm Mary-Sue, and you're going to marry me!" She was tossing her perfectly shining strawberry blonde hair around in her perfectly manicured hands.

"Uh..."

Mary-Sue then threw herself at his feet, her hands grasping his ankle.

"Uh... what are you doing?" he starred at the pathetic heap on the floor.

Her eyes were rolling around in their sockets, so all he could see was white. "I sense through your ankle...DEATH!"

"Gerroff!" Harry panicked and ran until he hit a conveniently placed wall.

"Hehe, you can't get away from me, I'm Mary-Sue! An exchange student from the U.S.A who Minerva never noticed I was on the list to go to Hogwarts until this year, and even though a normal witch couldn't do sixth year magic in their first year, I'm Mary-Sue! SOOO because I am Mary-Sue that also means you have to not notice my striking resemblance to Remus Lupin until the author decides to describe it later on in the story. Oh ya and you have to act all OOC around me or else! NOW KISS ME!"

Harry backed away, whimpering, as she attacked him with her lips scrunched up all funny. Then all of a sudden the wall he was backed up against turned into a compartment door and opened causing Harry to fall in and locking Mary-Sue out.

" Thank yo...MALFOY!"

"Harry..." He said in a drawling sexy voice. "I have something to tell you…" he curled a seductive finger towards him self.

Harry threw himself franticly at the compartment door. The handle had disappeared! He could feel Draco moving closer from behind him, and he was desperate to get out. He heard a muffled voice from above him and looked up. HERMIONE WAS TAPPED TO THE CEILING!

"Draco what did you do!"

"What, that? Just something I learned over the summer…" He tried pinning Harry to the door but Harry slipped from beneath him. Harry grabbed his wand and pointed it at Hermione. But before he could think of a spell she fell on top of him.

"Harry are you okay!" she cried as she got off him.

"No I broke my arm!" he screamed.

Draco laughed annoyingly in his smooth sexy voice.

"SHUT UP DRACO!" hermione screamed and knocked him unconscious with Hogwarts a History which she had kept up her bra. Harry was to shocked to feel his arm because he realized Hermione wasn't a man.

Hermione grabbed Harry by his ear and did some random never heard before spell to bust open a giant hole in the door. Then she yanked him out and ran to the back of the train.

"Ow, ow, ow, OWWWW!" Harry screamed pathetically as his broken arm banged against the floor and Hermione yanked his ear.

Then the train became conveniently shorter and five second later they got to a compartment where Ron was conveniently sitting alone.

"Zip up your pants Ron!"

"Eh? What're… what're people doing here!" Ron turned furiously red.

Hermione turned around and hexed the door even though she wasn't suppose to do magic. What the heck she didn't in the first book right?

"Alright now let me see your arm Harry…"

But before she could do anything she kneeled over onto the floor panting. She covered her head with her hands and began screaming uncontrollably. "NOO NOO!"

Her nails grew long and red, her hair tamed and lightened to a striking blonde, Her waist slimmed until her figure was an exact hour-glass, and her robe disappeared until all was left was a pair of pink soffies and a black tube top.

She was lying on the floor having a spasm the entire transformation Harry and Ron nervously glancing at each other unsure of what to do. Retards get a cell phone and call an ambulance duh!

Haha okay so these chapters will be pretty short it's going to be a short parody with a plot, eventually lol. But so far so good right? Lol, well review!

CJ


	2. And her friend Jamie Lou

**I'm updating this quick because I'm bored and am avoiding updating other stories lol. Well anyway, if anyone ever wants someone to read his or her story just say so in your review! I promise I don't bite! I might not get to read it right away, but I'll get to it! Okay, and now to the story;**

**Chapter Two**

And her friend Jamie Lou 

Harry and Ron didn't get the cell phone like suggested. Morons.

But it was okay because Hermione's spasm was over. Well really, it wasn't okay. Not at all. Because when she lifted her head besides her new raccoon-like eyes there was something very different about her…very…

"Hey, OMG what are you wearing? Do you like my thong? It has sparkles! Omg, I broke a nail!" she rambled on and on and on. Ron and Harry couldn't stop her. Or at least her thong prevented them from trying to.

"I got this shirt half of! Do you like? Omg Seamus is such a player and…"

Right then the door burst open and Fred, George and Ginny came in.

"Hey, didn't you guys leave like, last year?" asked Hermione, who had given up her rambling and now sat comfortably in Harry's lap.

"No," said Fred who fallowed suit and sat on Ron's lap.

"Oh ok," said Hermione twirling her hair around just like Mary Sue had. Harry jumped up and freaked out, sending Hermione out the window.

"Hermione!" screamed Ginny, her face full of tears. "First Draco, now you…." She sobbed.

"Draco?" asked Ron, who the whole time had been struggling to push Fred off of him.

"He left me for the giant squid!" she cried. "I must go find Blaise's shoulder to cry on!" she ran dramatically into the compartment door. "Ow! That wasn't suppose to happen…" she muttered and opened the door carefully.

"Who's Blaise?" asked Harry, who was now struggling to keep George off of his lap.

"Uh… I think he's the guy who became Malfoy's best friend since…. since Crabbe and Goyle flew out the train a few seconds ago…" said Ron who had successfully managed to push Fred off his lap.

"Oh, must be another one of Mary Sues plans…" said Harry.

"Who?" asked George who had gotten bored and was now trying to sit on Fred's lap.

"You'll see," said Harry as the train stopped immediately because the author was getting bored.

They all pushed the younger ones out of their way, and for once did not hear Hagrid being all "Firs years" and blah because he flew out a window too. Starting now.

So anyways they got off and a bunch of pretty purple unicorns took them to Hogwarts because the thestrals were too ugly and Dumbledore thought the unicorns were cuter.

They four of them eventually found their way to their table and sat down. The hat ceremony was about to start when someone stood up and shot it.

"I demand to know who did that!" commanded Dumbledore from the staff table.

"I did sir! Sorry it was an accident," said Mary Sue sheepishly from Harry's table putting down her shotgun. Harry freaked out and jumped under the table.

"Oh, that's alright Mary Sue, why don't you come up here and make your announcement?" Dumbledore smiled.

Mary Sue came up to the staff table and gave the school one of her glittery perfect smiles and giggled. Everyone's mouth hung open in shock of this beautiful creature. "Um…ok hi everyone!" She blushed. Harry knew that she was faking it, but he was so afraid of the gun incident he hid further down the table. "Well first things first, I hope everyone has a great year! Hehe! Well I'm new, which means everyone has to notice me and um.. Well I have complete rule over the school! Tehe! Oh and my friend Jamie Lou will be helping me!" she giggled some more pointing to an equally beautiful girl standing behind her. She had raven black hair, stark green eyes, and a peculiar scar of a cloud on her forehead. Oh and a perfect curvy figure and olive complexion. She ran from behind Mary Sue and ran to Draco Malfoy and swung her arms around him.

Draco, who had been busy with the squid, did not seem to mind the interruption. In fact he took both Jamie and the squid into some mysterious room that had appeared out of now where.

Ginny who had been sitting with Blaise began to cry. Harry began to cry too.

"So umm…first things first…Hermione and Draco have to share a bed because I said so…whenever they get back…. oh ya, anyone can go in any common room, and Harry and I are head boy and head girl! Even if we're both in 6th year. Oh…and a mandatory new class is spin the bottle! Ok your dismissed; the house elves will cater the food and stuff to your room! K, do whatever you want bye!" she happily bounced away from the staff table and towards Harry who was still crying.

"Come on sweetie! We have to go to bed!" she started winking and that only caused Harry to go into further hysterics. She dragged him by his arm (which got better by the way, just in case you were wondering) up some stairs and into a huge room with a giant bed. She then tied him to it with some magic wand spell thing.

OMFG Harry! Will he escape? He has too! He must escape and gain order back to the school! He must over throw Mary Sue before he too goes insane!

Thanks to reviews Leigh A. Sumpter (bestest daughter!), singin in the rain again, and ash vault rose garden. Yes I know, NOT HERMIONE!


	3. OMFG HARRY

A**HHHH well okay…I was writing something else and I was like…THIS IS BORING I MUST LET OUT MY RANDOMNESS! So then the mad little bunnies in my mind found this story. **

**Chapter 3**

OMFG NOT HARRY 

Where we left off the insane Mary Sue tied Harry Potter to this huge bed with a magic wand spell thing.

The author just realized how wrong and nasty that sounds and had an ewe fit. It sounded something like this:

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Alright, so while the author was freaking out, Harry was busy eating the magical ropes that had tied him to the bed. Mary Sue was doing a victory dance to the Macarena dance of doom and was too preoccupied to notice.

"Damn author…fine don't help me…you'll see…" he said insanely to himself.

The author got over her ewe fit, but found it so amusing that Harry was talking to himself she did not interfere with his escape plan.

"I just got to get these stringy things off me….ropes …ropes… ROPES!" Harry was so excited he learned a new word (the OOCness was already catching up with him) he jumped twenty feet in the air and hit his head on the ceiling.

Mary Sue was still doing the Macarena dance of doom.

"Ow, pain," he said, realizing this new concept his brain had not previously been able to handle. The dead Mr. And Mrs. Potter would be proud.

The ropes had been undone when he jumped really high so Harry was free. Then Harry figured something out.

"I'm getting stupid… I'm turning in to one of Mary Sues OOCes! I must find Ron!" he said loudly. Mary Sue kept doing her dance.

Harry pulled out a paper clip from his pocket (just because) and it feel to the floor.

Mary Sue snapped around and cackled evilly. "I hear everything!"

Harry was going to protest but realized that would be a bad idea.

Mary Sue pulled out a wand from her robes. Harry freaked out so he attacked her and bit her arm off.

While she yelped in pain Harry ran out the door and up to the fat lady's portrait. Except the fat lady wasn't there. Which made Harry start screaming very loudly.

"What do you want?" asked the skinny woman who was sick of his screaming.

"Where's the fat lady?" cried Harry, done with his girlish screams.

"She went on Atkins," she said sadly.

"Oh," said Harry sympathetically. "Oh I'm sorry."

The lady bit her bottom lip as to keep herself from crying. "Password," she asked half-heartily.

Harry almost broke down. Not because he didn't have a password, but because she couldn't be replaced. She couldn't say it like the fat lady did. With a tear in his eye he said, "Some pointless weird word like watermelonfuzzies or something." The tear trickled down his check.

She nodded and swung open. What he saw was disastrous.

Every guy in there was over six feet tall, had huge muscles, and perfect crystal clear eyes. All the girls in there were wearing skimpy little outfits and had perfect hair.

Well imagine what they were doing. My clean mind will not explore that area of perverse!

Anyway Harry was all "RON! RON WHERE ARE YOU?" but Ron had turned into one of them. He was in the corner senselessly snogging with Padma. Harry starting shacking Ron to get his attention. Ron finally let go of Padma and turned around annoyed.

"WHAT?" he yelled.

"Ron, Ron not you too…" he started shacking and began to cry. Fred and George came over.

"Ohhh it's the suicidal!Harry, right?" asked George.

"Huh?" sobbed Harry.

"Naw…maybe it's just the depressed!Harry, he hasn't got cuts or anything," said Fred.

"No are you two blind! It's the Dark!Harry begging for support so he can turn around and kill us!" Ron said paranoid. So okay, somethings never change.

"Your all daft! You stupid morons it's the Stupid!Harry, duh!" cried Padma as she got up and threw herself out a window.

"Damn Harry see what you've done?" Ron said as he got up and jumped out the window too.

"Don't worry Stupid!Harry," said the muscular Fred.

"Ya, we know the school's gone insane," agreed the muscular George.

"You do? Wait, if you knew, then why are you all muscular, and doing that whole sitting on people's lap thing?" He asked, very confused.

"You think we were going to pass these up?" Fred asked incredulously, holding up his arm and squeezing his muscle. "Besides," he said putting down his arm. "You were surprised with the lap thing?"

Harry thought about it. It hurt but he did it. "No, not really." He concluded.

Banana.

"Good," said George. "All you have to do to over throw Mary Sue, is to slip some of this," he held out a brown taffy, "Into her pumpkin juice. Make sure it's pumpkin!" He gave the taffy to Harry.

Harry was very hungry and taffy seemed like a good snack. He was about to eat it when Fred said, "Oh, and Stupid!Harry, don't eat it, okay?"

Harry frowned and put it in his pocket and stormed out because he was really mad. He had to go find pumpkin juice AND he couldn't eat taffy. This was not his good day.

* * *

Harry eventually found a kitchen and got a glass of pumpkin juice. He put the taffy in the pumpkin juice and it started smelling really good. He was going to drink it, but decided against it because the taffy was in there. The author was so proud she had to leave to have a moment. Banana, banana, banana…okay back.

So Harry took it to that really weird room that Mary Sue was probably still in. When he walked in there she was, with some big map thing, devising an evil plan to get Harry back and take over the hospital wing.

"Um…Mary Sue?" said Harry slowly. Mary Sue turned around and a big smile formed on her flawless face. "I wanted to say, I'm sorry for eating your rope," he smiled at the thought of the new word, "but I wanted to go get you a drink. Because you're my favorite Mary Sue. Really, all the other Mary Sues went to Slytherin," he said, trying to convince her.

Mary Sue took the glass from him, very flattered by his speech but still very suspicious of the drink. See despite what is thought of Mary Sues, they are actually very smart. She thought about what might be in the drink, but then looked at Harry, and realized he was too stupid to figure out how to put something in a drink. Her plan had worked very well and Harry was losing brain cells rapidly. She kept them in a jar labeled, 'Harry's brain cells'. So then she thought about it.

(**suspicious Mary Sue **_Not suspicious Mary Sue)_

It was so sweet of him to get me a drink… 

**Are you an idiot! He's trying to kill you!**

Well maybe the OOC has taken over him already… 

**No it hasn't!**

Yes it has! No it hasn't! Yes it has! No it hasn't! 

Then Mary Sue realized she was arguing with herself. That was not good. So in order to stop arguing with herself she just drank it.

Harry who had been watching her standing there doing absolutely nothing, freaked out when she moved. He dived under the bed and watched her drink it. He waited.

Her face turned slightly green, then she threw herself to the floor and starting shaking and spasing uncontrollably. SIEZURE! Harry thought and ran out to help her.

Oh so NOW he's helpful in an emergency. Pfft.

But when Harry got there it was too late. She had already turned into a miniature male Chihuahua named Kooki (pronounced cookie, like the food).

Kooki ran around in circles barking viciously at nothing. Harry thought he was cute so he picked him up and cuddled him. Kooki peed on him.

Then Harry left the room to see what became of the other students. Everyone was slowly going back to normal. The muscles were deflating and the girls were getting their clothes back. Harry smiled heroically. Another triumph over evil.

Everyone turned around and threw tomatoes at him for ruining their fun. And they started booing. Kooki barked viciously at them, showing off his teeth aggressively. They all booed at Kooki.

He peed on Harry again.

**THE END!**

**Okay yes I know…weird, probably weirder than my other chapters…but I'm in a very random mood today. Please review. Thanks to Leigh A. Sumpter, Da-Manta-Ray, niwrem (I died reading your stories), and ash vault rose garden for reviewing. HARRY MADE IT OUT ALIVE WOOT! I LOVE MY KOOKIWOOKI!**


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